I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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