all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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