sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
