Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
