Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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