why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
