I think my vagina is haunted
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
