Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
