Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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