Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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