If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
