today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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