in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
