He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
