I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
