she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
