i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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