This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
time to smoke my breakfast
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
