I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
if only i could text you this smell
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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