First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
