I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
