Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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