My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
