there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
