There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
