I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Ketchup is God's man juice
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
