Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
