i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
