Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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