I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
