Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
