Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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