We need to rekindle our bromance
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
