My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
