I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
