dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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