if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
