Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
