I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Green mimosas i think yes
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
