I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
