I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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