I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
there's paper in my vomit.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
