ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
