Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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