My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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