I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I think my moral compass just broke
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
