My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
