Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
