the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
how can u be prego again
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize