So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.