Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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