He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
