You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think my fart just growled at me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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