omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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