naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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