I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
FUCK WHALES
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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