I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
